The Bunny Whisperer

Ooh This Blog Is So.....


.....Deranged, but sometimes you've got to get those thoughts out of your head and share them with the world. Easter is descending upon us, and I can't speak for you, but I find it weird that even people who aren't religious still celebrate religious holidays by simply buying into the commercialism and not really concerning themselves with the true meaning of the celebration. This blog is a humorous piece that was not written to offend anyone.

Without further explanation I present....



The Bunny Whisperer

I was walking through the mall, minding my own business when I heard the terrified screams of children reverberating throughout the customer service area. I ducked into a dark corner, expecting to see a masked man with a gun but instead I was greeted by a site that, to a child and any reasonable adult, was just as frightening. It was hideous. It was unbelievable. It was unnerving. It was a rabbit on steroids.

There are some poor misguided souls who would venture to call that monstrosity a bunny but I’ve never seen a bunny who could potentially slap a basketball out of Shaquille O’Neil’s hand and taunt “Get that weak mess outta here!” Bunnies are cute and cuddly with just a hint of mischief in their beady little eyes. That rabbit that had obviously indulged in one too many plutonium cocktails.

I boldly approached the offending beast and got all up in his face. “Where did you come from?” I wanted to know. “And just how the hell are you laying eggs, Mister? Wait! Don’t tell me. The visual is killing me.”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying to shake off the unwanted image as the various smells of the food court suddenly collided with my nostrils, swirling about my head until I thought I’d throw up from the nauseating combination.

Now, you’re probably wondering how I could possibly be so brave while standing in front of that hideous creature but I’d just had a box of Krispy Kremes and a shot of espresso and the sugar rush alone was causing false courage to course through my veins. The caffeine chaser just made me jumpy and ready swing on a bogus hopper if the situation called for it.

“Explain yourself, rabbit.” I knocked the carrot out of his hand and dared him to do anything about it.

“I’m a bunny.” He answered snidely.

“You, Sir, are NO bunny.”

“Gimme a break, lady. I have a headache, it’s hot as hell, and I’ve already been pissed on three times.”

“Tell me what I want to know and I’ll be on my way.” I told him. “How in the world did a mutant rabbit become the symbol of Easter?”

The rabbit who claimed to be a bunny sighed softly, took me by the hand, and led me to his pastel throne. “Have a seat.” He patted his lap and I just stared at him with a look of disgust on my face.

“Pervert.”

“Oh come on. I promise not to molest you.’ He held up his furry hands and beckoned for me but his smile was freaking me out.

Rather than show him that I may have been a wee bit intimidated, I gave him the funkiest of sistah-girl neck and eye roll combinations and held my hand up as if to say, “critter please.”

“Didn’t you just tell me that you’d been pissed on three times? I’ll stand.” I held his carrot in my hand and made a bending motion. “Spill it, or I’ll be serving this carrot at my next dinner party.”

If his eyes weren’t painted on he probably would have rolled them. Instead, he just shook his head and began to tell me the story of Ostara, the pagan goddess of spring.

“I used to be a bird.” He said sadly. “I would fly from place to place singing a beautiful melody until one day, for reasons I’m still trying to figure out, Ostara decided to turn me into a rabbit. I was quite sad, as you can probably imagine, because although I could still fly, I really missed being a bird.”

“Shut up.” I poked him in the chest, “You can fly?”

“Please don’t say that too loudly. These damn brats will be begging for rides next.” He told me. “Anyway, Ostara felt sorry for me, but not sorry enough to turn me back into a bird. Once a year she allows me to lay eggs like a bird but I have to give them away. Only good children are supposed to get my eggs but as you can see..” he motioned towards a group of kids standing in line throwing tantrums and cussing their parents out, “…many parents have found a way around that rule.” He added angrily. “I can’t tell you how jacked up it is to see PAAS and Cadbury's making all of that money off of me and not giving me a dime. Hell, can a Bunny at least get enough to buy some carrot seeds? Those corporate fools have paved the way for ANY little heathen to get an Easter egg.”

“Well damn.” I had a newfound respect for this big hunk of fur. I mean, personally, he didn’t have anything to do with my beliefs surrounding Easter, but I guess, in his own way, he had a purpose.” I suddenly felt kind of sorry for him, getting peed on and having to deal with all of those crying babies and overzealous parents.” I handed him his carrot and smiled warmly at him. “I’ll let you get back to your job. Sorry about the threat of violence, I’m all jacked up on Krispy Kremes.”

It was a lame excuse but it made him laugh.

I started to walk away when he called out to me. “Hey, Lady.”

I turned just as he tossed me a large chocolate egg wrapped in beautiful gold foil.

“I laid that one just for you.” He winked at me.

“Thanks Easter Bunny!”